Adventures in Numair Salmalin's Workshop
by KatYoukai
Summary: Uhm...it's basically a mockery of Numair. In which he is an evil mad scientist who turns people into vegetables and turns Alanna into an electric pink statue.
1. Numair Creates Coca Cola

Okay everyone, I've updated as many of my stories as I can. I'm not going to update anymore over the summer so please don't kill me if I don't update in a month. I know it took a long time but things were really crazy. Last couple days of school were all messed and as I've told you, I only get 4hrs a weeks on the computer. Besides, when I finally decided to update, I couldn't find my drafts anywhere. Anyways, here's the last update in like 2 months. Enjoy.

_**Adventures in Numair Salmalin's Workshop**_

_KatYoukai_

**Chapter 1: Numair creates Coca Cola**

Numair: Muahahahahhahahah -hack- -cough- aha! Finally, my great project is drawing to a finish!

He held up a vial of bubbling liquid. After three months of labouring and turmoil in his workshop, he'd finally done it. He lifted the vial in his a hand, a triumphant gleam in his eyes.

Numair: I have created... -insert drumroll please- the first Coca Cola!

**Meanwhile...**

Dom: Neal, are you sure we should be here?

Neal shrugged and didn't answer. Instead he picked up a blown glass figurine from Numair's desk, inspecting it. Crazed laughter echoed from the other room. Neal jumped and dropped the glass figure.

Neal: Oh shit!

Footsteps sounded from somewhere nearby. The cousins scrambled to hide.

Dom: Quick! Into that room that-looks-suspiciously-like-Numair's-workshop-and-is-where-the-footsteps-are-coming-from!

The two ran for the door and right into the mage that had just opened the door. The vial he held was knocked out of his hands and shattered on the floor.

Numair: You fools! You've destroyed my coke!

Dom: What were you going to do with it anyways?

Numair: Uh... sell it on the internet?

Neal: The internet hasn't been invented yet...

Numair: Then I'll make that next!

Then he pointed a trembling finger at the two cousins as black fire sparkled around him.

Numair: And you two shall be doomed to a life as... VEGETABLES!

ZAP! And hence, Neal and Dom became vegetables.

Dom: Hey look, I'm celery!

Neal: Hah, I'm a carrot.

Numair scowled. They were _enjoying_ themselves.

Numair: -growling- Very well! Bring in the rabbits!

He grabbed Neal and Dom and tossed them into the cage he kept his rare-fluffy-pink-bunnies in. They screamed as the bunnies bared their fangs.

Numair: Muahahahahahahha!

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Tune in next time to see what happens when Numair creates a potion to dye Gifts. 


	2. Trouble With Magic Part 1

**_Adventures in Numair Salmalin's Workshop_**

_KatYoukai _

**Chapter 2: Trouble With Magic Part 1**

Daine: NUMAIR! WHAT'RE YOU DOING!

Numair: I-uh- I'm reading.

Daine: Yea for a month you've been.

Numair jumped out of his workshop in a graceful leap. He spread his arms out expressively… and fell the ground in a heap.

Daine: -rolls eyes- I'm sorry I asked.

Numair: -waves bottle of liquid- But my dear, this time, I've created a potion to colour Gifts!

Daine: Really? –grins evilly- you know what that means.

_(((((((((((((((((((((( -o- )))))))))))))))))))))))_

Numair: -singsong- Oh Jon!

Jon: Oh god! You're not going to feed me another one of your concoctions are you? –attempts to climb out window-

Daine: No…we made you some nice…uhm…tea!

Jon: Oh, alright then. –climbs back onto ground-

So Jon glugged down the potion, oblivious to what it was doing to his Gift.

-Long silence-

Jon: What'd you put in it?

Numair: Nothing, nothing. Try your magic!

Blue fire shimmered and Daine slammed into a wall. She turned lime green.

Daine: Fuck! What did you do to me?

Jon gaped. Numair guffawed. Suddenly, Jon felt a strange melting sensation in his stomach. He looked down and discovered that he was melting into a pool of neon yellow.

Jon: Oh gods!

Numair: -already out of the room with his head sticking in- I can fix that!

Daine & Jon: NUMAIR!

* * *

Dum dum dum dum! To be continued… 

**TPfreak: **Indeed I am. lol Poor Neal and Dom, suffering so. But then again, their pain is our entertainment.

**Maliaphire: **Thanks. That wasn't as soon as possible cause I had both chapters typed up already and was just too lazy to post it but…it's all the same.

**FanFictionFantom: **Oh…uhm…I'll do that when I can. The thing is, changing it back to 'normal' would sort of take away the humour in it.

**Desatre: **Well now I'm in your bad bad books yes? I suppose I really should've updated sooner, I already had it typed up and all.

**On top of cloud 9: **Yes, I am VERY weird muahahahaha. But everybody enjoys Neal and Dom in pain no?

**Rebecca McKay: **There's nothing more to say to that then thanks, and enjoy!

**Californiapoppy: **:D Thanks. Hope you enjoyed this chappie as well.


	3. Trouble With Magic Part 2

That's right! My first update in two months! o.O it seems to be a pattern of mine. I decide to quit something then come back two months later, not one month or never, but always two months... huh... well I didn't really quit... I just got lazy heh. For those of you that didn't read my profile, after I finish my current fics, I'm leaving Tamora Pierce fics entirely. I'm going back to my anime and manga love - I know I've said this alot but I'll say it one more time. --.--" I feel like I'm changing schools... Also, some of my fanfics are coming dow but I guess it's not a suprise. Man, my writing style has really changed too. I look back at my fics and cringe at the OOCness. But...anyways, enough talk about this, read my profile for more information. And... on a lighter note, I just got a laptop - Which is good news for you guys cause it means updates, updates and more updates!

* * *

_**Adventures In Numair Salmalin's Workshop**_

_By: KatYoukai_

**Chapter 3: Trouble With Magic Part 2 **

Alanna walked down the hallway to see a troubled looking Numair staring at a glass vial he held in his hands. She frowned, that look always meant trouble.

Alanna: Uh... Numair...?

He looked up at her then suddenly, his face lit up with a grin. Uh oh...

Numair: Alanna! Just the person I need! Would you mind testing out this antidote for me?

He waved the vial. The lioness swallowed and backed up.

Alanna: Uh,uh, no way. Not after last time! You almost got my squire eaten by pink fluff balls!

Numair: -smirks- Ah, but this is for the good of the kingdom. I need someone to be my guinea pig for this antidote. How else will I turn that puddle of neon yellow back into our king?

He watched with amusement as the ladyknight's face turned pale in horror.

Alanna: WHAT DID YOU DO?

Numair: -shrugs- He drank my potion and melted. It's not the first time something like this happened you know. I don't need to go into details.

Alanna looked from the vial to Numair then back to the vial, her face contorted in indecision. Finally, she heaved a shuddering sigh and snatched the antidote out of the Black Robe's grasp, gulping it down. Nothing happened.

-silence-

Numair: -eyes widen- Uh... Alanna... You're... my god...

Alanna: What?

She tried to move her leg but it wouldn't move. She looked down in horror to discover her legs were now made of electric pink marble.

Alanna: Oh- OH MY GOD! N-NU-NUMAIR! YOU FUCK, WHAT'S HAPPENING TO ME?

Numair: I believe you're turning into pink marble.

Now the marble was up to her chest. Numair starts backing away.

Alanna: -waves arms frantically- Don't run! Do something!

Now it was up to her shoulders. Numair begins to run.

Alanna: Numaaaaaiii--

The now fleeing mage spared a glance back at the electric pink statue that was pointing accusingly at him.

_KkKkKkKCcCcCcCKkKkKkK_

Numair: Okay! This time I'm sure I got ti right!

He walked out of his workshop, holding the bottle in triumph, only to walk into a furious, lime green Wildmage.

Numair: -gulps- Oh hello my dear, whatever are you doing here?

Daine: -snatches bottle- Gimme that, bastard!

Numair: I wouldn't drink that if I were you...

She ignored him.

Seconds ater she chugged down the potion, Daine returned to her original colour. Numair gaped in disbelief that one of his works had actually worked.

Daine: What do you know, it actually worked!

Numair: -pouts- You say that like my workings always fail.

-silence-

Daine: But they do.

Numair: No they don't! I can name plenty of times they didn't! Like...and...uh... okay you're right.

Daine: -snorts-

Numair: No wait! I turned Tristan into a tree didn't I?

Daine: But you were trying to turn him into a cherry pie!

Numair: - stomach growls- and what a fine pie he would've made...

Daine never got the chance to reply. She suddenly felt extremely light. Looking down, she realized her body was starting to vanish.

Daine: Nu--

POOF! And just like that, she disapeared into thin air, leaving Numair staring blindly at nothing. His face twitched. There was no way he could reverse the effect now. Unconsiously, his hands went to his throat. They would have his head for murder and high treason.

Numair screamed, panicking. Then suddenly, an idea occured to him. He would be killed. That is... unless... he destroyed the evidence.

Numair smiled evily as he exited the room, holding onto the vial tightly. He came upon a horribly hideous pink lawn ornament in the courtyard which he had dragged out of the halls. He let a drop trickle out of the bottle and onto the lioness.

Alanna: NUUUUMAAAAIIIIIR! -blinks- Whaaa...?

Numair: -shifts around nervously- I think you were dreaming.

Alanna: -suddenly remembering something- Where's Jon?

Numair: He...uh... died.

Alanna: But I just saw him this morning.

Numair: He just died.

Alanna: ...

Numair: I'm not kidding! A servant went berserk and murdered him!

Thank Mithros that Alanna vanished right at that moment, sparing the mage from one of her outbursts.

_KkKkKkKCcCcCcCKkKkKkK_

After repeating the procedure on Jon and various other test subjects he had used: Raoul, Buri, Gary, Myles, Kel, Neal, Dom, and Thayet ( Numair really has got to choose less important people to be his lab mice next time), Numair finally retired to his room with a heavy sigh. His eyes shone with the kind of light you usually see in a serial killer's when he's finally run out of things to kill.

Numair: -thinks- Well atleast I'm still safe.

He went over to his closet, unlocked it and threw open the doors. Several pairs of angry eyes met his own wide ones.

Numair: Oops...?

And that was all he was able to say before he was tackled to the ground by his former test subjects. In the end, it all worke dout and life went on in the palace as usual for everyone. Except for Numair who spent the next month in bed in the healers' wing.

* * *

Kat: -sigh- that was bad

Cher: I know it was bad and I can't blame you if you flame but please be nice! -cringes- I don't handle flames very well...

My writing's slipping -.-" I know I can do so much better but I just don't... -sigh- and I know the next chapter is going to be worse...

**Maliaphire: **Well Thayet couldn't say anything cause she was next...aaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaah my writing's getting worse and worse... -sobs-

**Wildace Keladry2005: **Well here it is. I hope you're not too disapointed "

**Celestial Secrets:** I suppose soon isn't the word huh? Well here it is anyways. Thanks for the review!

**On Top Of Cloud 9: **Yup, I probably should've said a Gift dye but oh well, what's done is done I'm too lazy to go back and change it. Sorry for the long wait.

**FanFictionFantom:** Yes, deep down, I know you're right. But... my writing enthusiasm isn't very high these days... I probabaly seem really OOC today, I'm feeling kind of meek... Anyways, I'm trying to update Last Two Doves next. It's sad really, I would've done it sooner but I forgot where I lef toff last time o.O

**Legolas OF THE WOODLAND ROW:** -sweatdrop- By now I bet you've done that already huh...? It took me two months to update...heh.

Next Chapter: Once upon a time, King Jonathan decides he wants a mountain...


	4. Mt Tortall

Okay, last chapter was mediocre at best… but seriously, you won't like this one… It was a good story in my head but I couldn't think of how to put it down on paper so… ya... It's the only TP story I'm able to update now cause my writing style's changed so much… I write more fluffy cute stories now but all my current TP fics are like angsty ones… so… guuuh….

* * *

_**Adventures In Numair Salmalin's Workshop**_

_By KatYoukai_

**Chapter 4: Mt. Tortall**

Once upon a time, King Jonathan decided he wanted a mountain…

One day, Jon woke up and said," I want my own mountain."

So, he went to his friend and black robe mage, Numair Salmalin, and stated," I have a dream. A dream of a realm that is all one mountain! I want _you_ to raise the land so that Tortall is one huge mountain with Corus at the top!"

Numair listened to his outrageous demand and burst into a fit on insane laughter. Then he looked up into Jon's very serious face. He was not joking. Numair laughed even harder.

" And how do you suggest I do this sire?" The mage choked.

His answer was given when the king thrust a gem under his nose. The Dominion Jewel.

" KEH?" Numair yelped in shock and jumped back. He then eyed the jewel like a curious crow," Shiiiiny…"

" Use this."

The black robe stared at his king skeptically," Did something crazy crawl up your BEEP last night while you were asleep? Cause this is just BEEP ing insane! And who the BEEP keeps censoring me?"

Cher: Heh… sorry.

Numair turned back to Jon," What're you, on crack?"

Jon shifted nervously," Maybe…"

The mage coughed and shook his head. The two went at it for another hour or so. Don't they have anything better to do? Finally…

" Alright! Alright! I'll make you a mountain you spoiled child!" Numair finally cried in frustration.

So he grabbed the Dominion Jewel and gathered up his gift. _Okay Numair, think mountain!_

Nothing happened. Suddenly, the ground shot up and shuddered as it rose. Numair and Jon were thrown to the ground. And in an instant the realm Tortall became Mt. Tortall.

" You know Jon, since Tortall's become a mountain, somewhere on the other side of the world, another realm's become a crater exactly this size."

A week later, news arrived to the palace that Scanra had become a huge crater. So the world is flat afterall.

* * *

**FanFictionFantom: **Thanks alot -smiles sadly- you're just making it harder to leave this section :( Now that I look back at it, I suppose that last chapter wasn't too bad. But this chapter... was completely pointless to put it lightly. I don't know... it seemed like such a good idea in my head, but then as I started writing I found all sorts of problems...sigh. But you know you're right... I mean about forcing my writing. I tihnk I'll just wait a while till the ideas come to me before I continue those stories.

**Magequeen: **Okay so that last chapter was still somewhat okay but I seriously think I messed this one up. You don't have to be kind for my sake -sighs- I'm beating myself up, things are really stressful and stuff right now...

**On Top Of Cloud 9: **Okay here's the update, thanks for the review. But this chapter's really disapointing... I get the nasty feeling I'm missing a chunk of the plot if it can even be called that.

**Wildace Keladry2005:** Keeping it up not very well here -cringes- I keep getting this nasty feeling I left out a huge chunk of the story... I just can't place it...


	5. New Year's Resolutions

Yes! I am updating! Finally! Okay enough ranting, I really have nothing to say, I just need to finish this up quick and get onto working on my FullMetal Alchemist fictions. And I actually might not be quitting TP after all. Like, the updates will be greatly delayed 'cause I won't be directing too much attention over here but the plot bunnies just keep coming! So… whatever! On with the stupidity!

Disclaimer: Numair and all these other characters belong to the almighty Tamora Pierce, I just chose to warp and twist them to my liking.

_**Adventures in Numair Salmalin's Workshop**_

_By: KatYoukai_

**Chapter 5: New Year's Resolutions**

Once upon a time in a far away land called Tortall, there once lived a great mage by the name of Numair Salmalin. Now Tortall existed in the middle ages in an alternate world so our traditions and Tortallan traditions differ greatly. However, the author decided to ignore these facts and went ahead to write a New Year's fic anyways.

So anyways, one day Numair decided that he should make a New Year's resolution; mostly because he had been… well less than well-behaved in the past year – seeing as he _did _turn a few people into vegetables, turned the king into a puddle of neon yellow goo and did I mention turned Scanra into a crater? So where was I? Ah yes, our favourite Black Robe Mage was sitting at his desk thinking hard. He thought and he thought. Then he thought some more. He thought as hard as his little brain would allow and effectively killed more than half of his brain cells (and he didn't have that many to begin with!). Finally… he gave up and decided to grab a bite to eat.

Obeying his tummy's rumbling demands, Numair headed to the kitchens in search of something to satisfy his hunger. To his surprise, the kitchens were empty. Actually it wasn't that much of a surprise since half the palace's inhabitants had up and panicked and fled when the realm started to turn into a mountain. Pfffft, no guts at all.

'_Well,´_ Numair thought, '_It can't be _that_ hard to cook can it?'_ He couldn't have been more wrong.

_KkKkKkKkKkKkKKkKkKKkKKkKKKkkKKKkkkkKKKkkkKKK _

A few hours later, Raoul of Goldenlake and something the author forgot because she hasn't read Protector of the Small in too long came strolling down the hall whistling to himself. Raoul is an idiot as we all know – everything in the books is just a lie, I'm telling you it was his stunt double - and didn't find it strange in the least that the realm had suddenly become a mountain.

Anyhow, he too was starting to get hungry and had decided to go the kitchens to find a something to eat. As he neared said kitchens, he caught a whiff of something burning.

He peeked in through the door and I swear his jaw almost dislocated itself. The entire kitchen was black with blobs of what looked like purple puke splattered all over the walls with a very burnt Numair standing in the center blinking at the pot that had just exploded on him.

Needless to say, much violence, yelling and flying food ensued. The two "men" were found by Jon and Alanna later that day still flinging goop at one another.

Alanna: -twitch twitch- WHAT are you two doing?

Numair: -blinks- I'm cooking.

Jon: I'd sooner believe you were molesting a Spidren (o.o wtf?). Even Alanna's a better cook than you.

Alanna: EXCUSE ME?

More violence, cursing and food fights followed there after.

But some good did come out of it all in the end. The group had come up with their New Year's Resolutions! Hmm, so now let's take a peek into their diaries to find out what their resolutions were shall we? Yes! They all have diaries! Shocked? Hah and if that didn't permanently scar you, maybe this will!

_Dear Diary,_

_I can't believe that jerk! Hah I can't cook huh? Well I'll show him! This year, I'm going to quit being a knight and become a palace cook instead! Surprised? Don't be! Scanra's a crater, Tortall's a mountain, everybody's up and ditched and I know Jon can't afford to turn me down if I do want to become a cook cause there's no one else! And I damn well know HE can't very well cook either. Then, then I'll drug his food and when he falls unconscious I'll kidnap him and give him over to that gay Taurus I met the other day. That'll teach him! Muahahahahahhahahahhahahahahahahhahahahahahahahhaha…_

_About ten or so pages later… and then he'll regret EVER insulting the great Lioness! _

_Much Love, Alanna _

Yes! This is the real Alanna! Everything in the books was just a façade! Also, it might have to do with the fact that KatYoukai's been taking crack lately.

_Dear Journal (Manly men don't keep diaries),_

_I read Alanna's diary the other day and found out she was planning to get at Jon first! Well I'll beat her to it. When she knocks him out with the drugged food, I'll kidnap him before she does! After all, I've been looking for a new sex toy to play with lately. Can you believe it? They still haven't found out I'm gay! How dense! Look at me! I'm over 40 years old and still not married! Can't they tell? Oh well enough ranting, time to set my plan in action heheh. _

_- Raoul_

So the great Raoul, commander of the King's Own… is gay! Now we know why he enjoys hanging around his men so much huh?

I'll skip Numair's cause that'll just give you brain trauma and go right to Jon's.

_Dear Diary,_

_It's New Years now! My resolution? WORLD DOMINATION! I've already taken out Scanra by having Numair turn it into a crater. Now after stealing Alanna and Raoul's diaries I've figured out they're planning treason! But that's okay too because I've got plans. I've already kidnapped the rule of Tyra. I just have to disguise him as myself then have him eat their food. Honestly, if he doesn't just get poisoned to death I'll be greatly surprised. Of course, no matter to what extent I disguise him, he'll never look quite as _beautiful _as ME but it should be able to fool them. I SHALL rule the world! Bwahahahahhahahahahaahahahahahah… insane laughter follows for the next 8 pages._

_Love your soon-to-be-king-of-the-world Jonathan of Conte_

After all that are you still reading this? If you are, I believe you deserve a cookie! –hands everyone drugged cookies- Now, curious to know Numair's New Year's resolution? Well here it is! His resolution is…. Dum dum dum…

To realize his dream of becoming a woman and inventing plastic surgery!

Has anyone died of trauma yet?

Okay okay, I had fun XD Please don't take this seriously people, this is supposed to be stupid parody humor okay? Except this… this isn't even humor… this is just me on crack. Hah… okay yea last thing, I won't be replying to reviews this chapter but the next round of reviews I'll use that new thinga-ma-jig that lets you reply to your reviews through PMs. Okay yes that's it. Read, review, and please don't die, I don't want to get sued. Ah! I just realized, I typed this up in like 10 minutes tops. Wow... this is how much easier fics like this are when they're off crack XD


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